Approximately 87 important things happened on tonight’s Game of Thrones.
That’s a rough and most likely inaccurate estimate, but it really was a busy 50-some minutes. Gendry came back! Jorah reunited with Daenerys! Jon touched a dragon! Bran saw some stuff! Plus, someone’s pregnant, someone else got burned alive, and some dudes got hammers to the head.
We’re also starting to feel incredibly anxious about the two remaining episodes this season, especially with Jon and co. headed into the abyss beyond the Wall. However, we’re comforted by the fact that that makes it a lot harder for him to hook up with his aunt Daenerys, so that’s good. Anyway, let’s talk about all of it!
First of all, surprise! Jaime Lannister’s not dead!
It’s not like we really thought that was a possibility despite his apparent drowning last week, but we were a little surprised to see how cavalier he and Bronn were being as they coughed and sputtered, and as Bran gently scolded Jaime for nearly dying, like they had just played a particularly rough game of paintball or something.
Elsewhere, Daenerys addressed what was left of the Lannister army and tried to explain that she’s not the city-burning murderous monster Cersei’s been telling them she is. All she wants is for everyone to bow before her…right after she just did a whole bunch of burning and murdering. It was kinda hard to take her comforting words seriously, especially when she promptly burned and murdered any men who refused to bow to her (Bye, Sam’s dad and brother).
Jaime then made it back to King’s Landing and filled Cersei in on how unkillable Dany’s army is. He basically declared that they couldn’t win against her, no matter how many mercenaries they bought with all that banking Cersei’s been doing. He also broke the news that it was Olenna, and not Tyrion, who had murdered their dear Joffrey. This didn’t anger Cersei as much as we would have liked, and instead she just told Jaime that if their options were fight and die or submit and die, duh, it was time to fight.
Back at Dragonstone, Dany returned on Drogon, and Jon Snow tried his luck at caressing the dragon’s face. It went well, and they started to have a moment before Jorah showed up (!!!). Dany smiled unlike she’s ever smiled at Jon Snow (and hopefully in a way she will never smile at Jon Snow), and they hugged and hopefully this is the re-beginning of something beautiful.
At Winterfell, Bran was having visions of ravens being creeped out by the Night King, and then we cut to Sam at the Citadel, contributing his knowledge of Bran and Bran’s time beyond the Wall to try and convince the maesters that Bran’s legitimately magical. They didn’t really believe him, but said they’d maybe check it out.
At Dragonstone, Tyrion and Varys drank and struggled with whether or not they’re following the right ruler. Sure, all rulers ask people to bend the knee, and she gave the Tarlys a choice, right? But also…burning anyone, whether they had a choice or not, is a pretty questionable move.
Jon then received a raven from Bran that was basically like “all the siblings you thought were dead are still alive, and also an army of zombies is on its way.” Jon immediately decided he needed to go home, and asked Daenerys to follow him with her army. Eventually it was determined that Jon was going to go beyond the Wall to get one of the dead men to show Cersei exactly what was going on.
Elsewhere, Sansa was listening to the men of Winterfell complaining about Jon’s trip to Dragonstone. They wanted to listen to Sansa instead, but Sansa was all “Jon is doing what he thinks is best.” Arya probably correctly deduced that Sansa deeply cared about what all the men thought, and was thinking ahead in case Jon didn’t come back.
Tyrion and Davos then arrived at King’s Landing in an effort to get Cersei to pay attention to the zombie army, but first they had to reminisce about Tyrion’s murdering, Tyrion had to reunite with his brother, and Davos had to track down the guy we’ve all been waiting like 4 seasons for: Gendry, the last bastard of Robert Baratheon.
He was working as a blacksmith and looking good while doing it, but he was also very ready to go wherever Davos wanted him to go with a giant hammer in hand. Before they could head out in their little boat, two officials showed up and got nosy. Davos nearly got them to go away after giving them fermented crab (which apparently helps with erections?) but then Tyrion showed up. They recognized him, but didn’t get close enough to grab him before Gendry used his hammer on their heads, which was so fun.
Back inside the walls, Jaime told Cersei about his meeting with Tyrion, explaining that Daenerys wanted to meet to discuss the zombie army. Cersei actually thought a meeting might be a good idea, but who cares about that because apparently she’s pregnant, and she plans to tell everyone exactly who the father is. Jaime made a face that wasn’t exactly thrilled, but not nearly as not-thrilled as we are about this development.
Davos then introduced Gendry to Jon, and Gendry wasted no time in explaining exactly who he was. He wanted to go with Jon beyond the wall, but Davos wasn’t such a fan of that idea.
At the Citadel, Sam shut down Gilly’s discovery that a man named Prince “Ragger” had annulled his marriage and immediately got married to someone else because he was tired of all these stupid details. He loaded up Gilly and the baby and they headed out of there, while half the world was screaming at him to go back and get whatever book Gilly was reading.
At Winterfell, Arya stalked Littlefinger through the halls as he did something sketchy, acquiring the “only copy” of some document and saying it was on behalf of Lady Stark. Arya obviously found what turned out to be a message from Sansa that had something to do with Joffrey, but then as Arya left, Littlefinger was watching her, pleased.
Finally, at the Wall, Jon discovered the Brotherhood (including the Hound) imprisoned. They informed him that they needed to go beyond the Wall, so it became a strange party including Jon, Gendry, Jorah, Tormund’s men, and the Brotherhood Without Banners, all heading into the blizzard to bring back a dead guy.
Things that still haven’t happened yet: Jon still doesn’t know he’s a Targaryen and it’s starting to bother us! Please just tell him! Thank you!
Things that make no sense: How did everyone get everywhere so fast tonight and also every episode this season? Did Jon fly to the Wall? Wtf!
Game of Thrones airs Sundays at 9 p.m. on HBO.